That Time Jesus was a Perfect A**hole

The Perfect Imperfection of Jesus

Jesus had been putting in long days that week. Everywhere he went folks were grabbing him, tearing at his garments, draining his energy. He’d just fed five thousand people using only five loaves of bread and a couple of fish. He’d ended a storm and walked across the surface of the Sea of Galilee to meet up with his buddies. He’d gotten into a big public argument with some Pharisees about hypocrisy in keeping kosher. Jesus was exhausted.

His friends found a spot for him to rest, well off the beaten path, where they could try to keep folks from bothering him. Even so, a woman comes up to Jesus and cries out that her daughter is possessed by a demon. She shows respect, and calls him “Lord, Son of David”, even though she’s not Jewish. She’s a Greek from Syria. A Canaanite.

Jesus ignores her. She keeps at it. His disciples push to get rid of her, and Jesus seems to agree. He says, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”

Is he making excuses because he’s tired? Being racist? Either way, it seems a bit callous, at best. But it gets worse. The woman drops to her knees before him and begs: “Lord, help me!”

And Jesus looks her right in the face and says, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.” Damn. That’s cold-blooded.

My Dog, my Dog, why have you forsaken me?

Let's Just Pretend this Never Happened

This is one of the most challenging stories in the Gospel. Christian pastors do all sorts of back-flips over it, trying to explain away Jesus’ harshness to this woman. I once heard a pastor (with a PhD in Divinity) say that he "always imagines Jesus smiling" as he said this. Phew.

Jesus was just joshing! Just a little harmless sarcasm towards this distraught Syrian woman begging on her knees for her child’s life! Get it?!

This pastor went so far as to say he imagines Jesus calling this woman and her sick child “dogs” with a twinkle in his eye.

Hmmmmm.

I’m no doctor of divinity, but I know the sound of bullshit when I hear it.

I’ve got my own theory, which may not get the stamp of approval from too many professional believers. Some may consider it heretical, as we are taught to think of Jesus being perfect in every respect. But for me it’s the obvious explanation, and the only one that makes any sense:

Jesus was being an asshole.

He was going on fumes at that point, under tremendous pressure. The Pharisees were out to get him. His own disciples still doubted him, and completely missed the points he was making. Peter was caught up in his usual drama, making things all about Peter… Jesus had just had to save him from drowning, after walking half way across the damn Sea of Galilee. And now this keening Greek woman? Oy.

Romans 8:28, y'all... Chill

Within the accepted paradox of Jesus being both fully human and fully divine, this story is a sterling example of his humanity spilling out over the sides. It would happen again—in his last hours Jesus would experience both fear and doubt as he waited to be arrested. Today he was feeling anger and frustration. Jesus was human. He was exhausted. He was over it. But that’s not the end of the story.

The woman contradicts him. She says it is right to ask for help, despite her being a gentile: “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

Now, there are a number of human responses to this. Not many are pretty. Here’s this woman pestering-- and then correcting-- an extremely powerful man. Surrounded by his male followers. Out in the middle of nowhere.

She has zero status because she’s a woman. She’s a gentile. Even worse, she’s a Canaanite. These are God’s ancient enemies, who worshipped Baal back in the day. This type of outburst from this type of person in this type of culture could be a death sentence. Most men wouldn’t tolerate it. They could beat her to death and not blink an eye, or lose even a night’s sleep.

Jesus, however, pivots on a dime. He tells her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter is healed instantly. (At this point I think it’s fair to add the twinkle back to Jesus' eye, if one feels one must.)

Grace of God

This is the ultimate Christ-like response. This is God firmly back in the driver’s seat, yet again exerting His power in a way that turns every expectation on its head. Jesus responds in complete humility. He listens... and then instantly surrenders his own ego. Tossing aside any notion of status or protocol Jesus offers a perfect spiritual response to his own imperfect human reaction.

Maybe God learns something in this exchange. Maybe that’s why it made its way into two of the four Gospels. That would definitely explain the significance of this story-- and redeem its rough edges in a manner fully consistent with God’s grace.

I was a bit worried, however, that I might pulling this interpretation directly out of my ass, so upon extensive scholarly research of this Bible passage (thanks for the quick links, Google!) I found something even more amazing— something I’d never heard before. It made me even more certain that this is not only a perfectly valid way to interpret this story, but possibly the best way. IMHO.

It gets a bit wonkish, but is important and hugely compelling. I’ll try to keep it quick:

This story of the Syrophoenician woman appears in two Gospels— Mark and Matthew.

In both Gospels it is immediately preceded by the story of Jesus feeding 5,000 followers with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Everyone eats their fill and 12 baskets of food are left over.

In both Gospels it is directly followed by a different miracle, in which Jesus feeds 4,000 people with 7 loaves of bread and “a few small” fish. Everyone eats their fill and 7 baskets of food are left over.

The story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 is in all four Gospels, and the number of loaves and fishes is consistent in all four. But the story of Jesus feeding the 4,000 is in only two Gospels: Mark and Matthew. And in both of those Gospels the story directly between these two different miracles is Jesus rebuking the Syrophoenician woman & calling her daughter a dog.

Not only that, but while the feeding of the 5,000 happens on one side of the Sea of Galilee, to what we can presume is a primarily Jewish audience… the feeding of the 4,000 occurs on the other side of the sea, an area where most of the people are gentiles, so most definitely not “the lost children of Israel” Jesus says he was sent to tend to.

Let's Get Crunchy

Most numbers in the Bible have symbolic meaning, and these are no different. So let’s crunch the numbers for these two different miracle stories.

Feeding the 5,000: 5 loaves + 2 fish = 12 baskets left over.

Feeding the 4,000: 7 loaves = 7 baskets left over.

Miracle #1: for the Children of Israel

5 loaves are for the Pentateuch— the first five books of both the Hebrew Bible and the Old Testament; Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy.

2 fish are for the two tablets given to Moses (containing the Ten Commandments).

12 baskets are what’s “left over”— the twelve tribes of Israel and/or twelve apostles.

Miracle #2: for Everyone, including the Gentiles

7 loaves are for the seven days of Creation.

7 baskets might be the seven virtues, seven seals… or even the seven chakras! The number seven symbolizes “wholeness” or “completeness” in myriad cultures and disciplines, including Christianity.

Although all of this was news to me, there’s no shortage of Christian folks who’ve addressed the significance of these numbers. The first one I discovered is here: https://bit.ly/2XBjuhr

What Would you Call It?

So to recap: Jesus performs a miracle to feed God’s chosen people. Jesus gets tired. Jesus is an asshole to a non-Jewish woman asking for his blessing. Her response opens his eyes to a larger truth. Jesus gets it immediately, and heals her daughter. Jesus then performs another miracle to feed ALL people, regardless of faith or heritage.

God becomes human, and uses his essential humanity to reconcile all things to Himself through humility and surrender.

Perfect.