Why can't I just be my Self?

"No aspect of creation, including consciousness, can see itself, because it is material stuff. In the same way that a television cannot view its own programs, consciousness requires a witnessing awareness."

---

Consciousness vs. Awareness

Ironically, one of the biggest impediments to expanding personal consciousness lies in defining the word, "consciousness". We all know what it means... sort of... but the more we focus on it the slipperier it becomes. We often conflate "consciousness" with "awareness", in the sense that everything we’re conscious of increases our awareness. And as soon as we become aware of something, we’re conscious of it. But are they really the same?

This may seem like an exercise in semantics. But it’s surprising how often such basic concepts fail us when we try to apply them to spiritual matters. Have you ever been in deep discussion about some ineffable aspect of spirituality or faith, and in the middle of making a firm (and no doubt brilliant) point, brimming with conviction… you completely forget what the hell you’re even talking about? Talk about a loss of consciousness.

The Yoga Sutra of Patanjali, the seminal writing on yogic meditation, offers a very helpful distinction between consciousness and awareness. It’s basically this:

Consciousness: all thoughts and workings generated by my material (physical) self

Awareness: a witness to all of creation, without shape or form, existing beyond time

In Chip Hartranet’s excellent translation, he describes how everything we experience—thoughts, feelings, memories, etc.— play out across our human ‘screen’ of consciousness.

“The screen of consciousness is the foundation of human experience, a part of the phenomenal world it represents, and under ordinary circumstances it actually feels like the subjective “eye” that is observing everything. In Patanjali’s view, though, no aspect of creation, including consciousness, can see itself, because it is material stuff. In the same way that a television cannot view its own programs, consciousness requires a witnessing awareness.”

In Sanskrit this is called Purusa, which Hartranet translates to “Pure Awareness.” Although he does not explicitly consider Pure Awareness to be a divine entity, since it is formless and impersonal (and also because Hartranet is a Buddhist) it perfectly describes a sensation that I’d call, “God-consciousness.”

Many Hindus equate it with Atman, which they believe to be the true spiritual Self of an individual— as opposed to the physical self, or body. This "capital-S-Self" is eternal and unchanging, the divine spark dwelling within each of us. Atman is pure essence, the soul existing beyond identification with phenomena… and it is of the exact same nature as the divine Brahman, which is the unchanging, permanent, Highest Reality.

There is a clear Christian equivalent to Purusa and Atman: the Holy Spirit. This ‘still, small voice’ is Christ Indwelling in each of us… our own personal awareness of divinity. We experience it through emptying ourselves and becoming ‘vessels of light’.

The struggle lies in getting rid of (or at least quieting) our lesser, base, material self in order to discover our True Self, the Holy Spirit, the omnipresent Pure Awareness we all have access to.

Whenever awareness manifests itself behind consciousness, or, in the most enlightened moments in place of it, it is indistinguishable from that which is external, eternal, and undefinable.

Most of our modern notions of self-awareness ultimately amount to selfishness. We might describe these attempts to know and define ourselves as "self-realization" or "self-actualization", but for the most part what it amounts to is codifying our own egos, of finding ways to rationalize and justify our human desires. There are definitely positive approaches to this kind of personal knowledge-- compassionate "self-care" is a concept worthy of a separate post-- but it's a slippery slope. It's easy to claim a "personal breakthrough" for what essentially amounts to a little ego tuckpointing.

---

Cultivating Pure Awareness

Practicing self-awareness, though, is completely different from practicing Self-awareness. This type of awareness is of something deep inside of us that is utterly pure, and utterly connected to the world around us. When we tap into this spot we experience inner peace, absorption with our surroundings, and a stillness that makes us non-reactive to the vicissitudes of life. It's a hard spot to find-- and an even harder state to remain in. Even the most enlightened humans can only tap into it for brief stretches. But there is fundamental agreement in all of the world's great religions and philosophies on what the path inward looks like:

The only path to Self-realization lies in the surrender of human ego and desire.

This type of surrender is consistent with (even emblematic of) early Christian practice, but it is not a discipline many modern Christians embrace, or even recognize today. Meditation and yoga are viable methods of surrender, if approached in the proper spirit, but there doesn’t seem to be an equivalent in Christian life. Some forms of centering prayer seem to offer a way "in"... but rumor has it that  the gate is pretty narrow.

So how can we possibly claim that awareness is pure witness, not existing within the self or the phenomenal world at all, and then equate that awareness with the soul or the Holy Spirit, both of which reside within the human form? Well, I told you these discussions were tricky! But my own suggestion is that consciousness is nothing more than a by-product of our material selves, while awareness is “other”. Whenever awareness manifests itself behind consciousness, or, in the most enlightened moments in place of it, it is indistinguishable from that which is external, eternal, and undefinable.

There are many places to learn about this awareness, and to find ways to seek it, particularly within Eastern spiritual practices. But once you've tapped into it, even momentarily, you will want to experience it again, as often as possible. It's tiring work that takes time, which is why in most instances it is referred to as a practice. In that respect seeking pure awareness is kind of like playing golf-- even if it's four hour hours of near-constant drudgery and failure, the feeling that comes from hitting just one beautiful shot is all it takes to keep you coming back for more.